I don't know why I was nervous... but everytime I thought of calling my cousins back home to convey my condolences, I had butterflies in my stomach. Nerves... made me sick to my stomach. I guess I just didn't know what to say. It's so much easier to say "I'm sorry to hear about your mother" in English... but in Mandarin, as much as I'm fluent, I'm at a lost for words. When you say 'I'm sorry' in Mandarin, it's just a plain apology for something you've done wrong. Not the different kinds of apology you can have in English. Do I say 'hi hao ma?' 'coz that means 'you-are-good?' directly translated and that's a stupid question to ask 'coz I know she's obviously not good for crying out loud! More than that, I was afraid of how I would react... worst, how they would react... if I'm still in an emotional state, I'm sure they are too. I mean, obviously everyone is still grieving. It's ther mom! But my mom's told me how the monk who's been doing the prayers have assured everyone that dua-yi is an angel now and no more tears should be shed... I don't know why the word angel sounds so... commercial(?) in English. 'Angel' just doesn't sound very godly I guess. While in Mandarin, it almost has a superpower connotation. Maybe 'shen(2)' means... more like... 'god'?... but in English that'll be too strong a word.
I can't win.
Either way, I called last night at 10pm our time, 11am Singapore time. Very quickly, my cousin Winnie and I started to have a cheerful conversation. I guess everyone at home is relieved that their mom is no more in pain nor suffering. She died still beautiful... and more then once, I've heard 'she just looks like she's sleeping'. I spent a good hour on the phone with my er-jie (second sister, Winnie) and my san-jie (third sister, Kim). Er-jie told me the two people grieving most are my mom and my mom's 4th sister. I know how my mom is... I can just imagine.
The funeral is tomorrow where they'd see the whole cremation process. I think this is going to be the most painful sight no matter how detached you are by day five of the death. I should be there with mom... I know she's still in a lot of pain. Maybe with it, her sister's death brings some fear as well. So she's 20 years younger. Doesn't make a difference. I guess one just don't expect people you love to just disappear and never be seen again. Ever.
