Yet Another Inadequacy Of Mine...

It's been many years (well, at least four) that Bruce and I knew we don't want to have children of our own. Whether for selfish reasons or not, we realize watching other couples, that we love the way our lives run on a daily basis and enjoy the last minute hop-on-the-next-plane kind of trips we have. Who needs contraceptives!? Watching other people's kids work well enough for us lol.

I just returned from a one week trip in Melbourne visiting with mom, my brother, sister-in-law (not the one here in Memphis obviously; the nice shopperholic one married to my brother) and the most precious thing I could ever meet, my seven month old niece, Emma Karissa Tay. Yes, the same baby that Bruce and I threatened to name Pork Sa since her last name is Tay. Yup, Pork SaTay LOL!!! Only Bruce and I can think up of something like that while laying very sober after a nap in bed in Tokyo before little Emma was born...

My first meeting with EKT brought lots of laughter. I was afraid Emma would not take to me seeing that other then my dad, everyone else at home is pretty err... normal... nice and certainly speak at a rather regular tone of voice. But she took to me alright. Yes, even my insane loud laughter lol. She sleeps through all of them. It's her mom who gets a hissy-fit when I laugh like a roaring thunder lol. Maybe EKT's been lectured about her crazy auntie Karen who sends her packages of presents from America and packs more then half her ginourmous suitcase with more baby stuff then a custom officer could fathom for a childless traveller for a one week vacation. Or maybe she's just a regular Tay-baby who loves to smile. Oh baby Emma's smiles. Her little beady almond eyes that practically disappears when you greet her each time she wakes up from her sleep; when you mention the word 'MUFFIN'. When she actually gets some muffin (don't tell her parents lol) and actually brings up my thumb back into her mouth with her tiny hands to suck the rest of the muffin off. Her tiny little chubby fingers that wave like the Queen of England, do the okay-sign (sometimes with a wink), pulls on her mommy's hair or scratches my fat cheeks. All bring laughter to everyone around her. She's been a blessing to my family and has made everyone especially my mother a very happy grandmother despite having a hard year of losing her sister.

I never thought I could fall in love again. But with Emma, I have. No worries, I'm not going to go pester Bruce and say I've changed my mind about kids. I haven't. Nah... thus the heading. I feel almost inadequate as a woman. Is this normal? Selfish, I can understand... but I really don't have that maternal instinct screaming for attention. As much as I love Emma, I realize even more now that being a mother just isn't a thing I yearn to be... a week of being a full time aunt being in the presence of the most adorable girl was as close to being maternal as I'd ever want to get. Thank goodness for siblings who are much less selfish.